Sharing about my mistakes doesn’t seem like the best thing to write about on a blog. What is the point of expressing the insanity of my life. I prefer to be a vessel of encouragement and rightful living, than disclose that life isn’t always easy for me, and sometimes this is do to the choices I make.
Being a chronic pain survivor is something that is often beyond myself. Though I can impact my pain by eating right, exercising and reducing stress, I still have pain. Even though at times I can blame myself, in essence I know when I wake up in the morning with pain, I didn’t create it.
I also struggle with an addiction. My addiction, my past, and my chronic pain are all intertwined. When I went to therapy to deal with things I struggled with in the past, I began to escape into addictive behavior as I couldn’t deal with it. As these behaviors continued, I got sick with a cold, took antibiotics, and my pain and fatigue started to take hold. I coped with more addictive behaviors to deal with the pain. I both sought help in a higher power, and sought help in other powers.
Eventually, I found help for myself through a support community, and through the medical community. Over the years, I was able to reduce my pain, and not live in addictive behaviors. I took myself off of pain medication, and felt like my life was going well. I was still limited, mainly because of the fatigue, but overall had a fairly active life.
So why did I relapse? Pretty complicated – life, opportunity, desire, denial, pain, resentments, selfishness, etc. Something I continue to explore. Unfortunately, the pain it has caused is great. I feel much shame. Many people can’t separate my action from who I am, and do I blame them? Not really, it doesn’t make sense. Addiction and clearly harmful actions generally don’t.
I titled this blog post, Is there forgiveness, love and grace? I really believe that the healing of my body, mind and soul and connecting to something spiritual lies in the forgiveness, love and grace. As much as I have hurt people, and can see and feel the effect in my life and in my body, I also believe healing can come and effect my life and my body. Forgiveness, love and grace come through my higher power, my spiritual source that I hold onto. Each day, I feel this more. I am blessed to have several people in my life and a community group, who have also shown me the power of grace. As I continue to integrate this into my belief about myself, I change. I become more loving and other centered, and give grace to others.
Unfortunately, it can be easy to not love the ones who have hurt us. This makes sense, and I have compassion for those I have hurt. I don’t expect them to love and forgive me. When those moments happen, I do feel the gift of such grace. I take responsibility for my actions, and continue to do so as I see more. Healing is a process, and it takes time for all. Layers and layers often continue to be pealed away. Much pain – yet a deeper love can develop. May I become more forgiving, loving and graceful, and be able to give these gifts to others. Not because of something they have done but because it shows my gratitude for what has been given to me.