Chronic Pain Journals

I can feel the pain intensify as I am standing in place, listening to my husband give soccer instructions to 12 girls.  As a co-coach I need to pay attention so I can implement what he is teaching.  I move around back and forth, as this reduces the pain that is circulating through my body.  I ignore my feelings of paranoia, concerned how I might look to the outsiders who don’t know of my illness.  I can feel the warmth of my body, as my fever begins to spike, like a premature heat flash that randomly appears.

As the instructions are finished, I recruit half of the girls onto the opposite player field.  I try to remember what I am supposed to do, as my fatigue and mild ADD seems to muffle even the best of teachings.  It is similar to living with a constant flu, with the aches, mild fever, and tiredness.  I attempt to implement what I can understand of the drill by watching my husband from across the field, and making up the rest.  I am less aware of the pain, as I am running around chasing after flying soccer balls.  My fever seems to level off, though I find it difficult to breathe when I am running too fast.  I slow down my pace and send Sarah off to collect the ball that flew past the goalie net.  I am grateful for the sun that is shining today, as the cold weather makes my fingers and toes go numb, which makes kicking a soccer ball painful.  I look up, and see Kathy make a goal.  The sounds of laughter and cheers from her team mates, brings me into the moment.  I smile and tell her “great kick at the side of the goal”.

Having chronic pain can effect greatly what I do, even on the soccer field.  When I become more in tuned with my own pain, I also take in more of what is around me.  My meditative state allows me to go deeper into the pleasures around me, as well as accept the pain that often comes with it.  These moments hanging with my soccer girls are treasures I will keep in my heart, the blessings that I am aware of, that bring life to today.