Memoir Review: Crash by Carolyn Roy-Bornstein, MD

January 2, 2013

Crash was an amazing read. Carolyn is a fabulous writer who was able to draw you into her experience of her son’s serious accident by a drunk driver. Being a doctor she explores her struggle of dealing with her son’s injuries, the tragedy of being hit by a drunk driver, the girl-friends’ death, the medical issues that arise and making sense of her experience from both a doctor and family member perspective. She is honest, thoughtful, and inspiring.

One thing that struck me was the randomness of the accident. Many things in life can seem random, in the sense that everything can change in a moment. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, a simple decision that turns costly. Even those who make poor choices, have a sense of randomness. Many people pay costly for their mistakes, or cause great harm, while others pay less outer consequences. Life isn’t always fair from our reality point. This can be a hard one for me to swallow. I strive for integrity, yet it doesn’t mean my life will be easy or pain-free.

Carolyn’s story was inspiring in the way she was able to grow from her experience and find the gold nuggets in all the losses. She strived to find the balance between doctor and patient, and to use this experience to make her a better doctor. The tragedy of her son’s injuries was brought in perspective by the death of his girlfriend. Her recognition of own lack of understanding of depression and brain injuries is very humbling, as she strives to learn more about a subject so relevant to her son and later becomes an advocate for people with Brain Injuries. She is honest in the struggle, yet looks for the positive, and grows closer to her family in the process. In the heart of the story, is Carolyn’s evidence of grace. “I don’t believe in fate. I believe we deal with the hand we are given. We make our own meaning. We find our own grace. Grace as a kind of acceptance. Grace as thankfulness. Grace as new meaning for a changed life.”

What a way to begin 2013, to move forward in grace. The year 2012 had many challenges and blessings, yet grace is what brings growth, love and humility. Through the health challenges, the healings, the relationships and losses, may grace help me live in the moment in a place of love, acceptance, gratitude and deeper understanding. I don’t know what 2013 will bring me. I can feel fear at the possibilities of financial struggles, health problems, and learning to navigate through relationships. At the same time, I trust that whatever arises, I will walk into it, grow, and becoming a greater person, more aware of the spirit within, around and above, and find the gold nuggets to receive and to give.

Happy New Year everyone. May grace abound to you.

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Step 1 – what I can’t control about having chronic pain and fibromyalgia

September 12, 2012

A big part of step one is understanding what we can’t control, looking at our thoughts, and the losses caused by our pain.  I have created several lists that reflect on these questions.  I find that looking directly into my pain, is often the best way for me to learn to live with my losses and find hope.

There are many things I can not control about having chronic pain and fibromyalgia.  Below is my list of things I can’t completely control.  Some of these may not be directly related to chronic pain, but can impact it regardless.

  • Pain level – having pain spasms, sensitivity to touch, back pain, trigger points, myofascial pain, tingling pain
  • Fatigue level – being tired, lack of energy, not able to focus
  • Medical world – doctors, nurses, pharmacist, lab technicians, finding a cure, medication impact
  • Weather – rain, heat, humidity
  • Relationships – what others think, what others feel, how they respond to me
  • Initial thoughts and emotional triggers – overreacting, taking things personally, losses

Consequences/impact of having chronic pain and fibromyalgia.

  • Loss of number of relationships I can keep up with
  • Loss of time being physically productive
  • Loss of career options, money
  • Additional stress, harm to body because of medications
  • Intensified other problems, more difficult to manage
  • Conflict with other people who didn’t believe I had pain, or thought I caused it
  • Initially didn’t have coping skills to deal with it
  • More time in escaping behaviors
  • Loss of self-esteem and sense of value in our culture
  • Could be more self-centered in dealing with pain
  • Less stable, less predictable, harder to plan
  • Difficulty keeping up with house, young children, and responsibilities
  • More needy of others
  • Trust in prayer, impacted view of God

Destructive thoughts

  • I am not worthy
  • I caused my pain
  • People don’t care
  • God is punishing me
  • People are better without me
  • Expecting things from others they can’t or won’t give
  • There is no hope
  • I am alone
  • No one understands
  • I can’t live like this
  • I need a cure, I need an answer
  • I need to escape
  • I will do anything to get rid of my pain
  • There is no hope

Fortunately this is just the beginning.  Though it is painful to create these list, I hope it will help others recognize the struggles and losses of dealing with chronic pain.  The chronic pain may always be a part of me, but it doesn’t have to always create the destructive thoughts I have added to this list.  Though not a part of step 1 I will end with a more hopeful list.

Positive thoughts of having chronic pain

  • I can make it
  • I am valuable
  • I am stronger
  • My relationships are deeper
  • I have more compassion
  • I am kinder, more vulnerable
  • I prioritize my time better
  • I can say no when I need to
  • I have much to give to others
  • I am loved and can find the resources I need
  • I am not alone, there are many people who struggle too
  • My higher power cares and is here for me
  • I can still do what is important even if it looks different
  • I can find a new career path

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