Today I feel utterly exhausted with so many emotions going through my mind and soul. I can’t even figure what it is all about. I feel this sense of numbness, of wanting to bury it all so not to feel pain. I notice my warning signs of something bigger going on – the desire to run, the desire to escape with some sort of medication, the desire to find a cave to hide in, the desire to die.
It all can feel so dark. Last night I did something different, I cried. I cried and cried, because of this pain that feels so complex. I was driving home earlier and unfortunately my fatigue can make me miss things – other cars, people, etc. When I am depressed and I have a near miss kind of thing, I don’t feel fear but of relief. I wish that they would just hit me and it could all be over.
Why am I so messed up when it comes to my emotions? Why does it scare me so? If I get out of my emotions, and into my mental place, life is ok. But my emotions reveal a lot of my insecurities and fears and can create havoc on my relationships. I don’t feel lovable, or worthy of other people’s attention and care. I fall into self pity, and into my own selfishness, which creates more shame and isolation. It is a trap I do not want to stay in.
Though I can’t always control when the triggers will take me to a dark place, I can do things to limit the impact. I believe in the philosophy of moving into pain and learning the lessons pain teaches us. Through this leaning, I grow and heal. I also see it is important for me to communicate with my loved ones, to write as it aids the process, to pray, to seek, and to listen. The hard part though is sometimes I need to pull away into myself to figure it out, and this can cause pain to other people. The balance is not always easy to find.
Often when I write, the agony is lifted. Today that isn’t the case. In truth it doesn’t matter. These are just feelings, and feelings come and feelings go. I will get some exercise, do some self care, and accomplish some things today. I am grateful I am not alone. I am grateful for a writing place, for those who love me, and for tools that give me hope and peace in the middle of whatever comes.