Emotional Triggers

June 6, 2016

Today I feel utterly exhausted with so many emotions going through my mind and soul.  I can’t even figure what it is all about.  I feel this sense of numbness, of wanting to bury it all so not to feel pain.  I notice my warning signs of something bigger going on – the desire to run, the desire to escape with some sort of medication, the desire to find a cave to hide in, the desire to die.

It all can feel so dark.  Last night I did something different, I cried.  I cried and cried, because of this pain that feels so complex.  I was driving home earlier and unfortunately my fatigue can make me miss things – other cars, people, etc.  When I am depressed and I have a near miss kind of thing, I don’t feel fear but of relief.  I wish that they would just hit me and it could all be over.

Why am I so messed up when it comes to my emotions?  Why does it scare me so?  If I get out of my emotions, and into my mental place, life is ok.  But my emotions reveal a lot of my insecurities and fears and can create havoc on my relationships.  I don’t feel lovable, or worthy of other people’s attention and care.  I fall into self pity, and into my own selfishness, which creates more shame and isolation.  It is a trap I do not want to stay in.

Though I can’t always control when the triggers will take me to a dark place, I can do things to limit the impact.  I believe in the philosophy of moving into pain and learning the lessons pain teaches us.  Through this leaning, I grow and heal.  I also see it is important for me to communicate with my loved ones, to write as it aids the process, to pray, to seek, and to listen.  The hard part though is sometimes I need to pull away into myself to figure it out, and this can cause pain to other people.  The balance is not always easy to find.

Often when I write, the agony is lifted.  Today that isn’t the case.  In truth it doesn’t matter.  These are just feelings, and feelings come and feelings go.  I will get some exercise, do some self care, and accomplish some things today.  I am grateful I am not alone.  I am grateful for a writing place, for those who love me, and for tools that give me hope and peace in the middle of whatever comes.


The Dark Hour poem

May 3, 2013

My soul aches, My heart cries;

When will, this pain die?

I watch and wait, for the morning sun;

When everything glows, and the children run.

Conflicts and confusion, trials and scares;

Broken dreams and promises, mistakes and failures.

Each day a struggle, for some air;

More cancer and death, that doesn’t seem fair/

Where is the wisdom? Where is my God?

It doesn’t make sense, in the gloomy fog.

I feel alone, though many are near;

Get me out, ignore the tears.

Just a little hope, or a little light;

help me see, a new sight.

Show me the praise, of a new day;

How to mend, what was frayed.

Show me the love, that I hear about;

Help me receive, the kindness of heart.

Help me hear, the wisdom up high;

To bring discernment, from the lies.

Bring me comfort, to ease the pain;

An inner peace, that forever reins.

I will open my eyes, and clear my ears;

Ready to see, ready to hear.

I will prepare my heart, and my mind;

to be ready, for a new time.

May the grace come, and fill me up;

forever hope, forever love.

Elissa 5/1/13

December 24, 2012

The holidays can be very difficult for many people. This is a beautiful blog written about depression and suicide, and ways to seek help. We are not alone and can make it through one minute at a time. Elissa

Cathy's Voice Now

431136_3767625948262_192232921_nI reach out my hands because I have been there.

I haven’t written a blog post since last week.   I started writing several times only to discard it.  No words seemed right after the events of last week.    I will say that my heart breaks for the families, friends, and community of Newtown.    I decided to wait until closer to Christmas and share some of the joys of the season and to share the lessons and treasures of this past year.

However, something happened today that made me change my mind.  This afternoon I saw a facebook message from a friend offering her prayers and condolences to the mother of a 15-year-old young man.  As I read the posts of the past day, I realized the young man was only a couple of weeks older than my grandson.  I didn’t know him but he was part of the group of…

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Pain and Depression/Anxiety

July 25, 2011

Depression and anxiety is common for people with chronic pain.  Imagine being in pain for months or years on end without hope of recovery.  It can be difficult to become motivated, when regular tasks require significant effort and fears about the future become overwhelming.  Medical appointments and prescriptions are costly and often involve ignorant and uncompassionate personnel.  When the body becomes warn down it can often intensify or trigger anxiety and depression in the most secure and happy individual. 

It is important to recognize the possibility that you may have to treat both the pain and the depression and anxiety.  It doesn’t mean that they have caused their pain by their thoughts, but that constant pain can contribute to a melancholy that is difficult to alleviate.  Pain can cause depression because of the losses, the potential inactivity, and strains on relationships and finances.  Not knowing what the future will hold, and navigating the medical system can increase anxiety. 

Since I have had chronic pain, I have experienced various levels of depression and anxiety.  I can notice the difference between a bad day, when my mood can elevate quickly by calling a friend or walking outside.  There are other times when the mood lasts for a week or more and I feel discouraged and unmotivated.  I may still enjoy some activities, but when the activity is done, I continue to fight the melancholy.  In my worst moments, I have had thoughts of suicide.  Fortunately for me, these are just random thoughts and escaping type of fantasies and they don’t tend to last long.  Anxiety tends to be more prevalent especially when dealing with the medical world, work, and relationships.  I worry about what other people will think and if I can meet their expectations.  I have always had a tendency towards both depression and anxiety, but this has increased as I battle to keep my pain at a manageable level. 

Dealing with depression and anxiety is so individualized that it is difficult to find typical solutions.  I recommend that people learn about depression and anxiety so they can be aware of the symptoms and when they need to seek professional help or should recommend help to others.  Depression and anxiety will increase the pain, and make life more unmanageable.  If they seem to be unproductive, unmotivated, discouraged, anxious and/or sad, depression and anxiety may be a factor.  Asking questions with compassion can give you a better idea of what is going on and give them assurance of your support.  Finding resources for them (and yourself if needed) is the best option for treatment. 


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