Chronic Pain Journals

Two weeks ago I was playing racquetball and hit myself in the head with the racquet.  I must admit that one of my favorite things in racquetball is to put all my energy into my swing.  Probably not the best in form, but is such a great stress release for me.  Unfortunately, while trying to hit a ball off the back wall, the power of my swing went straight to the front of my head with the rim of the racquet.  I not only hit my head, but missed the ball.  Within minutes my head started to hurt, and I got a bump on my head.  I have had numerous concussion training for coaching soccer, but couldn’t believe I could actually give myself a concussion.  So I continued to play, can’t recall how long, but the adrenaline kept me going.  I felt a little off, but seemed related to my sore head.

Since then I have been diagnosed with mild traumatic brain injury/concussion.  I still feel pressure in my head, have a hard time with mental tasks and memory, my eyes hurt and are sensitive to light, and I feel nauseated.  I feel a degree of depression and anxiety, depending on the moment.  Some of this is my normal state, and some more extreme.  The swearing words that keep entering my fragmented mind shows my agitation.  Speaking can be challenging, as I substitute words, make up words, or feel like I am stuttering.  To the person on the outside, I probably sound normal, perhaps a little less intelligent.  To me, I feel like my brain is only partly accessible.

I am surprised by the lack of information about brain injuries and people suffering with concussions.  Perhaps I am just not finding it, as it takes more effort than I have energy.  I feel alone as I read how my symptoms either should have vanished by now, or there is no clear understanding of when they could end; days, weeks, months, years.  Not the encouraging words I hope to hear.  Hopefully this blog post will be a one time post, and my brain will heal itself shortly, and I can have one part of my body that feels protected from pain.  However, if this continues, just like in dealing with chronic pain, I must find a way to adapt to life with another limitation, and not give up hope on living life on life’s terms.