February 25, 2019

I have been feeling a lot of anger coming up lately.  I am feeling increasingly frustrated by the things in my life which I have no control.  I want things to be a certain way, and don’t understand the unfairness, insensitivity and unawareness of other people.

I think this has intensified since my concussion a few years ago.  Having chronic pain and fatigue have been tremendously difficult, but the rawness of my emotions is a whole new challenge that I can’t quite navigate.  I can feel this anger rise so quickly, and though I might be able to control it at times, I feel it in my body.  I feel it eating at my soul.

I have so many issues with the brokenness of systems.  Systems meant to help us, but often it becomes a means of following the rules that don’t always help the individual.  I tend to be mission oriented, and most missions are about the people.  Sometimes it is hard to find this when the staff is overworked, and the resources are just not available.

So how do I know to deal with my anger.  It helps to recognize this, and just say “I am feeling angry”.  I have started to meditate again and this is extremely helpful as I can see the level of anger I am feeling.  Writing helps me go into my thoughts and feelings.  I may need outside help – support groups, therapy, meditation group or other connection point.  I can’t magically change who I am.  I wish it were simple.  For now, I will have compassion on the broken parts of myself that come out when I am trying to find safety, love and a sense of security.  This is really only something I can give myself, or find in something spiritual.  As long as I keep expecting it from others, I will be dissatisfied.  I can try to communicate my needs, but beyond that is something I have to let go of.  I always have choices, and maybe the choice is to change my surroundings, or learn to find peace in this moment.


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