My understanding of a spiritual power

November 13, 2013

I have been reading and contemplating what my spiritual power means to me.  I find that I grow in my understand and relationship with a greater power when I ask the questions and watch for answers.  As I have been working through steps 2 and 3, I have written where I am today regarding this step, ways I rewrite the step to mean more to me, and questions/struggles I still have understanding the concept.

Step 2 from AA:  Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My wording of this step:  I am reception to spiritual guidance for restoration and am willing to work towards it.  I believe there is something spiritual beyond my understanding that has the capacity to create miracles.

I struggle with the idea that a spiritual power would care and chose to cure my addictions and my chronic pain, as I have been spiritual yet still struggle.  I see the spiritual everywhere, but don’t always believe it can be personal to healing my pain or cares about the details.

I wonder if my definition of insanity is different than HP.  May not mean I don’t struggle but have clarity and spiritual growth in the process.

Step 3 from AA:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him.

My wording of this step:  I am willing to grow along spiritual lines and seek a HP.  I am willing to turn towards a spiritual source for guidance in my choices and understanding of my needs.  I seek to have this spiritual power guide me in releasing what I have no control over (pain, addictions, peole and outcomes) and guiding me on where I can make an impact and be open to a new way of doing things.

I struggle with giving up myself to another person or spiritual source and the idea of a caring God.

I wonder if it is more about being willing to follow principles for living such as love and grace verses perfection, contol and rules.  To bring unity and allow this Spirit to nourish us for what we really need.


Seeking something spiritual I can hold on to

November 5, 2013

This past week I have been thinking a lot about what spirituality looks like and how to move beyond my own distortions of what a God/The Spirit looks like.  Often when I think about God, I think of someone who is allusive, uncaring, judgmental and unfair.  Though my religious upbringing was filled with many wonderful spiritual connections and memories, when the road gets tough it is easy for me to focus more on those who have hurt and failed me, and the teachings that seem to leave me stuck.

How do I surrender my life to something that doesn’t feel solid?  Where do I find this rock that feels real and brings me peace?  For me it begins with finding a little bit of openness, to watching for the spiritual, for sensing what works.  What truths brings me to grace and love?  If I can clear the slate, something new may be able to enter.

What I want to believe, what feels spiritual to me:  There is something powerful and spiritual when I look at the mountains and the ocean, when the leaves change in the fall, when thunder strikes in the sky, when plants grow, and when a baby is born.  I also feel a spiritual power when I truly connect with people, when I take in love and grace, when a coincidence seems beyond my understanding, when I meet a soul mate, when wisdom and clarity come in a time of need.  I can feel something different when I hear or read a truth, when people’s lives are an inspiration, when someone forgives me for my wrongdoings, when I give grace from somewhere beyond me.  I feel something powerful when in a meeting of people sharing their hardships and people give compassion and kindness, when I am meditating, when I am listening to inspirational music, when I move forward in recovery and healing.  I feel a sense of humanity and spirit when I am humble, serving others, in need, and vulnerable.   There is something amazing that happens in yoga and when running, being intuned to my body and what has been given to me.  I feel a release when I am grateful.

I can trust that the Spirit is not people, things or places.  It can be in all of these things, but it is not these things.  People bring both the spirit and the human, religious people do the same.  None of us can claim to truly know all about the spirit or about his/her truths – this is why it is called faith.

May the truth continue to reveal itself to me, may the Spirit guide me today.


Step 1 unmanagability and powerlessness

November 4, 2013

Having chronic pain is something I am powerless over and can’t always manage.  I have good days and bad days.  The good days make me feel like I am able to function well, I feel healthy, and empowered to accomplish my goals and build relationships with people around me.  On my not so good days, I see the pain and fatigue show up in my life limiting me from doing what I want, but still able to function overall.  On the really bad days, I feel depressed, get tired of crashing, and seek the quick and often unhealthy escapes.

Powerlessness is what happens physically to my body.  Fibromyalgia has a path of its own that I don’t always understand.  Certain activities and situations can draw me into an overwhelming sense of fatigue and pain that at times can catch me off guard.  Though I can limit this pain to some degree by watching my stress, exercising, being healthy, managing activities, it will always be there ready to be activated.  Sickness and unintended stress can sometimes seem to come from no where, causing me to become more aware of this thing inside my body.

Unmanagability is what happens in my life because of my chronic pain.  When my fibromyalgia is in full force my life can revolve around my pain and fatigue and often other areas get neglected.  The more I try to control it,it can just make it worse as too much activity just wears me down.  When things feel totally out of control, I seek to escape this feeling and don’t always have the capacity to make good choices.  I get really tired and can’t  think straight, and don’t always care anymore to make the needed effort.

As depressing as this all sounds to me, seeing the reality allows me to look for a new solution.  I can be aware of what is beyond my own ability, and surrender this to God, a spiritual power, to the earth, to friends, or something that brings a sense of release.  Then I look at what I can do to keep my fibromyalgia in check as best as I can, and prepare for those days where life seems to sweep me under.  Often for me this is finding my support network, reaching within myself and seeking something spiritual.  If something isn’t working, seeking the truth of it, allows me to search for something better.  May today, I focus on what brings me peace and health, and prepare myself for the darker days with grace, wisdom and compassion.


Surrender my chronic pain to something greater

January 8, 2013

Summer 09 352It can be hard to surrender my chronic pain to a higher power.  It is easier for me to seek answers in others to bring wholeness to fill the void in my life.  I often feel shame because it makes me feel weak and needy, feelings I seek to avoid at much cost. I can see that alone I am lacking, and I long for something greater to fill the voids and bring healing. 

I see that my way of controlling life and finding meaning does not work. It leaves me emptier than I was before, and separates me from the One that can bring my life back. In the moment it has brought me to see the longings that I have tried to deny, and to also see that I really don’t always believe the Spirit can meet these needs in me. I can see myself as bad and being punished by God.  I wonder if the Spirit has abandoned me when I hear nothing, and my symptoms don’t change.  When I take the time to connect, generally I can feel the peace. Often this is done through prayer and music.

When I come to the Spirit in my greatest place of need, and in my weaknesses, struggles and failures, and find love, than I become more trusting. I can become more honest and vulnerable allowing room to reveal the brokenness, and bring healing to my life. I don’t have to fear this part of myself anymore, and am willing to look at it without shame. I find that as I accept my life as it is, that I am much more humble and graceful to others. I can see the heart of the Spirit in a way I never have before. Compassionate, yet willing to guide me out of the traps I set myself in. I have many obstacles to really trusting and believing in a Spirit. Many of which for now, I just have to acknowledge and be open about. I see the distortions in my head, and it will take longer for it to sink in my heart. This is where real transformation takes place.

I believe that I live a spiritual life and in many ways feel deeply connected to the Spirit. I want to follow and surrender to something greater. Yet I still struggle to give up my desire for what I want-complete healing and to rearrange the dreams I had for myself. I still have much to understand about the bad things in life, including my illness/pain, and I know this hinders my ability to trust. I have to remember that religious people, are not the same as the Spirit. And that spiritual leaders may be godly in some areas, while being destructive in others.  I will be open with what I don’t get, and listen to what I am to do with that.

I love connecting with the Spirit in nature, and am finding this extremely valuable. Walks with the Spirit have been a source of clarity for me, as I hear a voice in the wind and trees. The majesty of spiritual things reminds me of who is in control, and that a power is greater than any problem I ever have or will face. He also is a Spirit of beauty, and wants to bless me. So much has been given, that I have not received.

I have been given so many people for the journey, lots of support and spiritual guides. I have learned so much from the people who are in my path. People who have shown me grace and love. Not all understand chronic pain or me for that matter, but I do know many love and care for me. I am grateful to have my heart open up more to all kinds of people and situations and to realize that things aren’t always as they seem. Can’t be too quick to make assessments about people and situations I do not understand. I gain much wisdom as I am able to ask with a heart for the person, and a desire to learn about their unique experiences. My life is truly about relationships, and if I didn’t have much time on this earth, this would still be where I would devote my time.

2.       Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could bring us peace and sanity.

3.       Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 


Relationships and humilty – the darker side of life

November 29, 2012

Recently I have been having an inner battle with exposing the darker sides of life in order to reach out to someone who is struggling.  Much of the time I feel content in dwelling in the blessings of life and portraying an optimistic viewpoint.  I prefer to dream, plan, and encourage others to live in the moment, follow their values and seek meaningful relationships.  Talking about chronic pain, mental issues, dysfunction, crazy thoughts I might have, and addictions are topics I would rather stay in the shadows, or allow a slight exposure for a sense of humanity.  However when someone is hurting, it is hard to look the other way.

Sharing about the darker side can bring panic and fear.  What will people think of me?  Will I lose respect from people I care about?  Will they use the information to harm or threaten me in the future. Integrating these parts of myself can bring shame and fear of abandonment until full acceptance gives grace. I prefer to compartmentalized and move on losing this part of myself verses taking these pieces as the masterpiece they can become.

Opportunities always present themself in life.  Every difficult situation I have encountered has the potential to bring good, especially as I face the truth and find strength to move forward by both digging deeper and taking steps to make necessary changes.  I feel this responsibility to offer my experience, my compassion, possible guidance to resources, and wisdom that has guided me along the way.  I also need to be open to learn, to hear, to challenge my viewpoint, so I can learn what others have to teach me and to see the beauty in their life.  I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I can’t ignore the opportunity.

What I know to be true is that each of us has a unique path – what works for one doesn’t always work for another.  However, my greatest growth and wisdom has come from hearing stories, seeking truth and prayer, and finding resources through people and words of wisdom.  My greatest teachers have all have different opinions and values in some area, yet can still be a guide for enriching my life and growing spiritually.  I have learned to connect more easily with those who come in humility, willingness to listen, gave some hope, cared about me and were able to enter into the darker aspects of both my life and their own.  They had an inner strength , compassion, grace and love, and wisdom from their own experiences, yet were open to learning from the experiences of all they came into contact with.

May each of us keep our hearts open to allowing life to unfold in the most mysterious of ways – seeing the light shine in the darkness.

Step 12:  Having had a spiritual awakening because of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in our lives.


Letter to my Higher Power – Step 2 chronic pain

November 14, 2012

I have been taught to believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I want to trust in Him as my Higher Power and guide through this life. I want to believe He loves me and that through Christ’s death, that my sins have been forgiven. At times however I have doubts and struggle to understand my own beliefs.  I have had many wonderful spiritual experiences that have impacted my life.  I have also had some traumatic experiences and distorted words that came out of a religious context.  I find that my resistance drops when I focus on the Spirit and the relational aspect that I continue to feel each day.

I believe there is a spirit in all things, that something spiritual is at work in this world and in my own life.  I believe this spirit is relational in nature, that it has the power to change things around me, that it isn’t something I have ultimate control over.   I believe in the purity of this Spirit, that this Spirit has the capacity to bring light, truth and wholeness.  I believe the Spirit is above all loving, that it is filled with compassion and grace for all mankind.

Turning my will over to a spiritual power is something not easy to do.  I like to hold on to what I believe feels concrete, not something that is less physically seen.  At the same time, releasing to a Spirit gives me peace, brings me wisdom, and helps me make better decisions.  When I walk with the spirit in mind, I am more of who I want to be, also filled with more love, compassion and grace.

Surrender is about willingness.  Willingness to let go of what I know and desire and be open to something different.  It is being willing to say both yes and no, and seek love and truth.  It is choosing to look at myself, striving for growth, while accepting what is.

When I try to control my health problems it doesn’t work.  I can’t completely change my course with my mind alone.  I can’t always tell when I am holding on to something, but trust the Spirit will guide me as I keep searching.  I do not need to be perfect or to have all the answers.  I am not the cause of my health problems and I am not being punished.

I do not completely understand the Spirit.  I can’t explain the different religions that have a unique spiritual slant. I see a Spirit at work in a variety of people and places that feels similar to the Spirit I follow.  I have many questions that I long to have answered, yet realize many of them won’t be.  I trust that my Spirit will be with me, and be a guiding force in my life.


Step 1 writing on chronic pain

September 12, 2012

Today I decided to start writing a narrative of my pain story that I hope to share on the blog.  I have been putting this off because it is time-consuming and can be painful to look back at the difficult periods in my life.  I am including information about periods of my life when I had physical and emotional pain and my thoughts around it.

I am surprised at how helpful this has been.  I am able to see some links that I didn’t really think about before.  Initially I was thinking I didn’t have much pain as a child, since I rarely missed school.  As I started to write more, I can remember several situations where there was both pain and shame around the pain.

The thought of writing and sharing a personal story can be terrifying.  I can feel the vulnerability of sharing such personal information.  Even though I have been less specific in situations where it involves other people, I am sharing honestly my own thoughts and feelings.  I do believe that the healing comes from looking at the truth of a situation, and being able to think and talk about it without shame.  I hope that each of us can learn to honor and even love the parts of our stories that make us uniquely us.


Step 1 – what I can’t control about having chronic pain and fibromyalgia

September 12, 2012

A big part of step one is understanding what we can’t control, looking at our thoughts, and the losses caused by our pain.  I have created several lists that reflect on these questions.  I find that looking directly into my pain, is often the best way for me to learn to live with my losses and find hope.

There are many things I can not control about having chronic pain and fibromyalgia.  Below is my list of things I can’t completely control.  Some of these may not be directly related to chronic pain, but can impact it regardless.

  • Pain level – having pain spasms, sensitivity to touch, back pain, trigger points, myofascial pain, tingling pain
  • Fatigue level – being tired, lack of energy, not able to focus
  • Medical world – doctors, nurses, pharmacist, lab technicians, finding a cure, medication impact
  • Weather – rain, heat, humidity
  • Relationships – what others think, what others feel, how they respond to me
  • Initial thoughts and emotional triggers – overreacting, taking things personally, losses

Consequences/impact of having chronic pain and fibromyalgia.

  • Loss of number of relationships I can keep up with
  • Loss of time being physically productive
  • Loss of career options, money
  • Additional stress, harm to body because of medications
  • Intensified other problems, more difficult to manage
  • Conflict with other people who didn’t believe I had pain, or thought I caused it
  • Initially didn’t have coping skills to deal with it
  • More time in escaping behaviors
  • Loss of self-esteem and sense of value in our culture
  • Could be more self-centered in dealing with pain
  • Less stable, less predictable, harder to plan
  • Difficulty keeping up with house, young children, and responsibilities
  • More needy of others
  • Trust in prayer, impacted view of God

Destructive thoughts

  • I am not worthy
  • I caused my pain
  • People don’t care
  • God is punishing me
  • People are better without me
  • Expecting things from others they can’t or won’t give
  • There is no hope
  • I am alone
  • No one understands
  • I can’t live like this
  • I need a cure, I need an answer
  • I need to escape
  • I will do anything to get rid of my pain
  • There is no hope

Fortunately this is just the beginning.  Though it is painful to create these list, I hope it will help others recognize the struggles and losses of dealing with chronic pain.  The chronic pain may always be a part of me, but it doesn’t have to always create the destructive thoughts I have added to this list.  Though not a part of step 1 I will end with a more hopeful list.

Positive thoughts of having chronic pain

  • I can make it
  • I am valuable
  • I am stronger
  • My relationships are deeper
  • I have more compassion
  • I am kinder, more vulnerable
  • I prioritize my time better
  • I can say no when I need to
  • I have much to give to others
  • I am loved and can find the resources I need
  • I am not alone, there are many people who struggle too
  • My higher power cares and is here for me
  • I can still do what is important even if it looks different
  • I can find a new career path

Why the 12 steps for Chronic Pain

July 10, 2012

Why use 12 steps for chronic pain recovery?  It doesn’t seem to make sense that I would compare addiction to dealing with chronic pain.  Addiction seems to be self induced, self focused, obsessive, and destructive.  We often see a visualization of a drunk homeless man begging for “food” that would go towards alcohol.  We imagine the loved ones we knew who lied, stole, and rationalized their habit, while making everyone around them suffer. 

The Medical Dictionary defines addiction “as a habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one’s voluntary control.”* It doesn’t mean that a person can’t always control the use of the drug/behavior, but they continue to use more or more often of the drug/behavior in spite of consequences and/or a desire to stop.   They often are compulsive and use the drug/behavior regularly as a way to cope with life’s demands. 

Chronic pain has similarities with addiction.  It is something that is beyond our control, can be all consuming and can drive us to do things we hadn’t thought about before.  A person with an addiction will seek more and more for greater high, and a chronic pain sufferer may seek more and more for greater pain relief. We tend to have shame, may isolate, feel alone in our experience, and may focus on pain relief as the cure to all things being good again.  Our thoughts and emotions can contribute to our addictive and pain tendencies and the intensity in which we experience them.  Most people experience addiction tendencies and most people experience pain in their life time – the degree in which we experience them is what may make us feel unique. There are consequences with chronic pain, and it requires a mind changing (and possibly spiritual) experience to make us whole again even if we still have the physical pain.  People with addictions have to learn how to live in the world in spite of cravings and/or giving up something that initially brought relief.  Outsiders may look down on chronic pain sufferers as they would with people with addiction, wondering what they did to create such hardships and why they can’t make themselves well again.  Those with chronic pain and addictions do not cause themselves to be this way.  Certain actions, genetics, experiences and behaviors might have contributed to their vulnerability, but few would volunteer for this path. 

 Chronic pain in itself is not an addiction accept in cases of self induced pain like cutting.  Though our body adapts to the pain we experience we do not need more pain or less in order to function.  People are generally not drawn to seeking pain, and we can’t make the choice of whether we will have pain.  We don’t create the habit or the compulsive activity, the pain found us.  Those who take pain medication are also not automatically people with addictions.  Though some of the patterns and physical need might be similar, they don’t necessarily develop the compulsion or obsession of the drug to give complete relief. 

When we begin to go from a person experiencing pain to a chronic pain sufferer, something changes within us.  Many people are drawn to various addictions to escape the pain, or pain relief methods gradually become addiction.  We can feel discouraged because we cannot control our pain or make it go away.  Often we find ourselves searching for understanding, evaluating our values and priorities and looking for something to hold on to.  Looking at the 12 steps offers a way to surrender to something greater and bring inner wholeness to guide us in the path ahead.  By looking into our past, our relationships, our hurts and our harms, we are able better to cope with the times of solitude and bring greater peace into our lives.  I believe the 12 steps can be used as a tool for greater awareness, joy and spiritual growth, in helping chronic pain sufferers have a more fulfilled life.  The 12 steps are not the only solution, the only path, or perfect in their origin.  Yet, as a person with chronic pain, it has offered me hope, wisdom, light and greater purpose for the journey. 

* addiction. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Stedman’s Medical Dictionary. Retrieved July 10, 2012, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction


12 steps for chronic pain – Step 1 Powerless and unmanageable

July 10, 2012
  1. We admitted we were powerless over our chronic pain—that our lives had become  difficult to manage.

I have always found value in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and many of their recovery philosophies.  There have been many situations in my own life where I found that my will and effort alone could not fix a problem.  The harder I tried, the less effective it might be.  Much of these situations had to do with my desire to stay strong and independent and not take the risk of being vulnerable to other people.  I really believed that I could make things better if I did the right research, had the right attitude and gave the right effort.  Unfortunately this isn’t always the case. In some situations and circumstances an addictive element would take over causing me to be more self-absorbed and caught in destructive patterns of behavior.  In these situations it was vital that I learn to surrender and open myself up to the guidance of my spiritual source and other people.

When I first experienced severe chronic pain and fibromyalgia symptoms my life was no longer manageable in the way I was used to.  I found it was difficult to complete daily tasks, care for my children, and deal with the daily pain that would not escape me.  I searched for ways to eliminate and understand my pain, yet nothing worked in the way I thought I needed.  The people around me had a variation of reactions to my new pain, from excessive advice, demands for specific types of treatment, and ignoring my reality to those who offered both love and practical help.  I could no longer nurture my relationships in the same way and they too seemed unmanageable.

The difficult thing with the word “powerless” is that I still have power in some areas, while other things are beyond my control.  I did not choose to have chronic pain enter my world and my will alone won’t make it go away.  I am powerless over waking up at night with pain, having pain spasm when I sit, the pins and needles, the fatigue, or the more intense pain I experience in my back and knees.  I am also limited in that I don’t know all things, what the cause of my pain is, and what specifically could make it end (if there is a cure).  Even if I did all the research in the world, I would never completely know everything about how my body works.  Fortunately I do have options of experimenting with medications, activities and adaptations that might lessen my pain.  I can choose to prioritize my activities, continue self-healing (physical, mental, spiritual), find joy in the moment and give to those around me in spite of my pain.  My attitude and ways of coping will always be something within my power.  I can choose to open up to a new way of living, that brings me down a better path than I imagined.

The beauty of recovery is that the principles will carry you forward even though the addiction/chronic pain is still a part of you.  As with addiction, I cannot live the same way I did before, as this way of living will lead me into darkness.  If I keep searching for what was, compare myself to those who seem to have it better and try to live the old way, my life will be unmanageable.  Though I will pray for complete physical healing, I believe I am receiving greater spiritual and mental healing than I could have imagined.  My pain creates a sense of vulnerability, humility and need that opens me up to something greater than myself.  Recognizing my powerlessness was the first step, the beginning of something more.

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