Surrender my chronic pain to something greater

January 8, 2013

Summer 09 352It can be hard to surrender my chronic pain to a higher power.  It is easier for me to seek answers in others to bring wholeness to fill the void in my life.  I often feel shame because it makes me feel weak and needy, feelings I seek to avoid at much cost. I can see that alone I am lacking, and I long for something greater to fill the voids and bring healing. 

I see that my way of controlling life and finding meaning does not work. It leaves me emptier than I was before, and separates me from the One that can bring my life back. In the moment it has brought me to see the longings that I have tried to deny, and to also see that I really don’t always believe the Spirit can meet these needs in me. I can see myself as bad and being punished by God.  I wonder if the Spirit has abandoned me when I hear nothing, and my symptoms don’t change.  When I take the time to connect, generally I can feel the peace. Often this is done through prayer and music.

When I come to the Spirit in my greatest place of need, and in my weaknesses, struggles and failures, and find love, than I become more trusting. I can become more honest and vulnerable allowing room to reveal the brokenness, and bring healing to my life. I don’t have to fear this part of myself anymore, and am willing to look at it without shame. I find that as I accept my life as it is, that I am much more humble and graceful to others. I can see the heart of the Spirit in a way I never have before. Compassionate, yet willing to guide me out of the traps I set myself in. I have many obstacles to really trusting and believing in a Spirit. Many of which for now, I just have to acknowledge and be open about. I see the distortions in my head, and it will take longer for it to sink in my heart. This is where real transformation takes place.

I believe that I live a spiritual life and in many ways feel deeply connected to the Spirit. I want to follow and surrender to something greater. Yet I still struggle to give up my desire for what I want-complete healing and to rearrange the dreams I had for myself. I still have much to understand about the bad things in life, including my illness/pain, and I know this hinders my ability to trust. I have to remember that religious people, are not the same as the Spirit. And that spiritual leaders may be godly in some areas, while being destructive in others.  I will be open with what I don’t get, and listen to what I am to do with that.

I love connecting with the Spirit in nature, and am finding this extremely valuable. Walks with the Spirit have been a source of clarity for me, as I hear a voice in the wind and trees. The majesty of spiritual things reminds me of who is in control, and that a power is greater than any problem I ever have or will face. He also is a Spirit of beauty, and wants to bless me. So much has been given, that I have not received.

I have been given so many people for the journey, lots of support and spiritual guides. I have learned so much from the people who are in my path. People who have shown me grace and love. Not all understand chronic pain or me for that matter, but I do know many love and care for me. I am grateful to have my heart open up more to all kinds of people and situations and to realize that things aren’t always as they seem. Can’t be too quick to make assessments about people and situations I do not understand. I gain much wisdom as I am able to ask with a heart for the person, and a desire to learn about their unique experiences. My life is truly about relationships, and if I didn’t have much time on this earth, this would still be where I would devote my time.

2.       Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could bring us peace and sanity.

3.       Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 

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Posted by Elissa T

Memoir Review: Crash by Carolyn Roy-Bornstein, MD

January 2, 2013

Crash was an amazing read. Carolyn is a fabulous writer who was able to draw you into her experience of her son’s serious accident by a drunk driver. Being a doctor she explores her struggle of dealing with her son’s injuries, the tragedy of being hit by a drunk driver, the girl-friends’ death, the medical issues that arise and making sense of her experience from both a doctor and family member perspective. She is honest, thoughtful, and inspiring.

One thing that struck me was the randomness of the accident. Many things in life can seem random, in the sense that everything can change in a moment. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, a simple decision that turns costly. Even those who make poor choices, have a sense of randomness. Many people pay costly for their mistakes, or cause great harm, while others pay less outer consequences. Life isn’t always fair from our reality point. This can be a hard one for me to swallow. I strive for integrity, yet it doesn’t mean my life will be easy or pain-free.

Carolyn’s story was inspiring in the way she was able to grow from her experience and find the gold nuggets in all the losses. She strived to find the balance between doctor and patient, and to use this experience to make her a better doctor. The tragedy of her son’s injuries was brought in perspective by the death of his girlfriend. Her recognition of own lack of understanding of depression and brain injuries is very humbling, as she strives to learn more about a subject so relevant to her son and later becomes an advocate for people with Brain Injuries. She is honest in the struggle, yet looks for the positive, and grows closer to her family in the process. In the heart of the story, is Carolyn’s evidence of grace. “I don’t believe in fate. I believe we deal with the hand we are given. We make our own meaning. We find our own grace. Grace as a kind of acceptance. Grace as thankfulness. Grace as new meaning for a changed life.”

What a way to begin 2013, to move forward in grace. The year 2012 had many challenges and blessings, yet grace is what brings growth, love and humility. Through the health challenges, the healings, the relationships and losses, may grace help me live in the moment in a place of love, acceptance, gratitude and deeper understanding. I don’t know what 2013 will bring me. I can feel fear at the possibilities of financial struggles, health problems, and learning to navigate through relationships. At the same time, I trust that whatever arises, I will walk into it, grow, and becoming a greater person, more aware of the spirit within, around and above, and find the gold nuggets to receive and to give.

Happy New Year everyone. May grace abound to you.

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Posted by Elissa T

Merry Christmas everyone

December 24, 2012

Hi, my fellow writers and readers.  I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

The last few weeks, it seems everything has gone by quickly.  Lots of distractions in the holiday preparations – shopping, baking, decorating and seeing friends and family.  My routine and diet have been changed, and order seems to be less predictable.  At times this has been great fun, and other days it can be a challenge to keep up.

We plan on spending the holidays with family members, and making phone calls to our loved ones.  We tend to spread it out over a few days, as it is less chaotic and makes for easier and more meaningful conversations with people.  We spend more time playing games with the kids, and cooking/baking in the kitchen.  We enjoy a Christmas service and reflecting on what matters to us.

Christmas is one of those holidays where I like to create the best of memories.  I hope for family peace, family fun and a sense of the Spirit around me.  I enjoy giving and receiving the gifts from people who care about me.

As much as I hope for the best of memories, often the holidays can bring sadness and anxiety.  Life is full of conflicts, losses, personality conflicts, past issues, and health problems.  The more I can accept this as part of what makes us who we are the more I can dive into the greater meaning of Christmas.

Christmas for me is about love, peace, forgiveness and hope in my relationships with God and other people.  It isn’t about perfection, finding the best gift, or having a life without conflict.  As I learn to see God’s light shining like a star, in the midst of what is before me, the clearer vision I will have of how to reflect and act in the moment in front of me.  I pray that this season guides me to what is of most importance, bringing a foundation for the start of another year.

Merry Christmas All.  Elissa

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Posted by Elissa T

Memoir Review My Sisters the Saints by Colleen Carroll Campbell

December 2, 2012

I loved reading My Sisters the Saints.  A great spiritual memoir, learning about the different saints and what makes them special.  Colleen writes an interesting book, as she shares her own spiritual questions and learning to apply spiritual principles to life’s challenges.  I could relate to many of her challenges, infertility, aging loved ones, making relationship decisions, and balancing personal desires when they seem to conflict.

Reading spiritual memoirs is one of my favorite ways to grow spiritually.  I love stepping into another person’s life and hearing how they live out their own beliefs and the way they process through them.  As she used books to learn about her mentors, I also use spiritual memoirs as role models to learn from.  Her book gave me both, memoirs in a memoir – gotta love that!  I am blessed to learn from her humility, her ability to dig deeper into the questions, and her desire to follow her heart and her values.  Thanks for a great read.

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Posted by Elissa T

Relationships and humilty – the darker side of life

November 29, 2012

Recently I have been having an inner battle with exposing the darker sides of life in order to reach out to someone who is struggling.  Much of the time I feel content in dwelling in the blessings of life and portraying an optimistic viewpoint.  I prefer to dream, plan, and encourage others to live in the moment, follow their values and seek meaningful relationships.  Talking about chronic pain, mental issues, dysfunction, crazy thoughts I might have, and addictions are topics I would rather stay in the shadows, or allow a slight exposure for a sense of humanity.  However when someone is hurting, it is hard to look the other way.

Sharing about the darker side can bring panic and fear.  What will people think of me?  Will I lose respect from people I care about?  Will they use the information to harm or threaten me in the future. Integrating these parts of myself can bring shame and fear of abandonment until full acceptance gives grace. I prefer to compartmentalized and move on losing this part of myself verses taking these pieces as the masterpiece they can become.

Opportunities always present themself in life.  Every difficult situation I have encountered has the potential to bring good, especially as I face the truth and find strength to move forward by both digging deeper and taking steps to make necessary changes.  I feel this responsibility to offer my experience, my compassion, possible guidance to resources, and wisdom that has guided me along the way.  I also need to be open to learn, to hear, to challenge my viewpoint, so I can learn what others have to teach me and to see the beauty in their life.  I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I can’t ignore the opportunity.

What I know to be true is that each of us has a unique path – what works for one doesn’t always work for another.  However, my greatest growth and wisdom has come from hearing stories, seeking truth and prayer, and finding resources through people and words of wisdom.  My greatest teachers have all have different opinions and values in some area, yet can still be a guide for enriching my life and growing spiritually.  I have learned to connect more easily with those who come in humility, willingness to listen, gave some hope, cared about me and were able to enter into the darker aspects of both my life and their own.  They had an inner strength , compassion, grace and love, and wisdom from their own experiences, yet were open to learning from the experiences of all they came into contact with.

May each of us keep our hearts open to allowing life to unfold in the most mysterious of ways – seeing the light shine in the darkness.

Step 12:  Having had a spiritual awakening because of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in our lives.

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Posted by Elissa T

Medication free after years of narcotics for pain

November 26, 2012

I can’t believe that I am finally off my medication.  The pain still lingers in my body from fibromyalgia, but in many ways it seems better than what the narcotics did to my body over time.  The pain is more consistent, not fluctuating around my medication doses, where the intensity would increase as my body became reliant on the drugs for relief.  Though I did experience almost pain-free moments, the overall experience currently isn’t that much different from when I was on medication.  Has my body finally started to heal itself?

The psychological part of taking medication is still active in my brain.  I feel this panic sensation at certain times of the day, thinking I forgot my medication and feel fear at the potential for great pain.  It only takes a split second for me to remember that I don’t need the medication, yet the automatic reaction still lingers.  I no longer have to hide my medication when I am out of the house, or spend time cutting up my medication.  I don’t have to concern myself with the stereotypes of opioid users, though the stereotypes still exist with people who have fibromyalgia (including my own shame around it).  It will probably take some time to get used to this new reality.

When I first began to experiment with various medications prescribed by my doctors, I was in a great deal of pain. I couldn’t imagine living my life in this type of pain every day with no end in sight.  I am grateful that my doctors were able to believe me, and give me some relief from the pain.  I have no doubt that I needed something, but can’t understand why today, my pain is less.  Perhaps my body was better able to adapt with less stress, and better eating habits.  Over the years, I have tried many things to relieve my pain, and understand that a magic cure is probably not out there that works for everyone.  If this were the case, we wouldn’t have disease.  I imagine that the process of disease and healing is a complicated one, though there are many things we know help most, there are many things we don’t know.

The beauty of my own ignorance is that I can’t make claims for other people, nor give a clear path to follow.  This makes the process a personal one, each discovering what works best for them.  As much as I would like to help others have greater healing, I am not a healer.  The blessings of a story, is that we can listen intently, and take the pieces that resonate with us.  My story is in a sense interwoven from the stories of others.  Constantly experimenting for greater health, both physically and spiritually.  I hope that as I continue to make changes to my life, that I will continue to have less pain, and perhaps be cured from what ails my body.  However, of greater importance to me is that regardless of my pain level that I will continue to grow in a way that brings me spiritual peace and hope, as well as deeper relationships with those around me.

Blessings to each of you on your own journey….

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Posted by Elissa T

Letter to my Higher Power – Step 2 chronic pain

November 14, 2012

I have been taught to believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I want to trust in Him as my Higher Power and guide through this life. I want to believe He loves me and that through Christ’s death, that my sins have been forgiven. At times however I have doubts and struggle to understand my own beliefs.  I have had many wonderful spiritual experiences that have impacted my life.  I have also had some traumatic experiences and distorted words that came out of a religious context.  I find that my resistance drops when I focus on the Spirit and the relational aspect that I continue to feel each day.

I believe there is a spirit in all things, that something spiritual is at work in this world and in my own life.  I believe this spirit is relational in nature, that it has the power to change things around me, that it isn’t something I have ultimate control over.   I believe in the purity of this Spirit, that this Spirit has the capacity to bring light, truth and wholeness.  I believe the Spirit is above all loving, that it is filled with compassion and grace for all mankind.

Turning my will over to a spiritual power is something not easy to do.  I like to hold on to what I believe feels concrete, not something that is less physically seen.  At the same time, releasing to a Spirit gives me peace, brings me wisdom, and helps me make better decisions.  When I walk with the spirit in mind, I am more of who I want to be, also filled with more love, compassion and grace.

Surrender is about willingness.  Willingness to let go of what I know and desire and be open to something different.  It is being willing to say both yes and no, and seek love and truth.  It is choosing to look at myself, striving for growth, while accepting what is.

When I try to control my health problems it doesn’t work.  I can’t completely change my course with my mind alone.  I can’t always tell when I am holding on to something, but trust the Spirit will guide me as I keep searching.  I do not need to be perfect or to have all the answers.  I am not the cause of my health problems and I am not being punished.

I do not completely understand the Spirit.  I can’t explain the different religions that have a unique spiritual slant. I see a Spirit at work in a variety of people and places that feels similar to the Spirit I follow.  I have many questions that I long to have answered, yet realize many of them won’t be.  I trust that my Spirit will be with me, and be a guiding force in my life.

2 Comments | 12 steps for chronic pain, Chronic Pain, Spirituality | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Elissa T

Dreams and fears of cliffs

August 17, 2012

In the car staring out the window.  So beautiful outside.  Views of trees, mountains and sunny skies.  Unfortunately my stomach is in knots.  As I look out the window, the only thing I can see is the cliff to my right.  I take peaks here and there to see what danger element is in front of me, as I feel the terror of crashing over the ledge.

My fear began as a child.  I can remember being in the car and looking at the cliffs.  Car rides not always pleasant, wondering if my dad was really watching the road.  We never had an accident, but I can recall a few turn arounds and near misses that seemed deadly to my young eyes.

As a child, I also had many nightmares of falling off a cliff.  I can remember vividly the cliff near our house that we drove by at least weekly.  This was often the spot for my nightmares to catch hold.

In order to cope with drives I find ways to tune out.  I am listening to my favorite tunes and doing some kakuro.  My mind is occupied and the music soothes me.

Though my fears continue, my nightmares have ended.  About four years ago when I was doing some intense healing work I had the dream again.  I was driving in the car, and it went off the cliff.  I could feel my stomach drop and my fear increase.  However, instead of waking up out of panic, the next part was completely different.  As I stayed with the fear, I was able to control the car and landed in peace.  I woke up immediately and was taken back by the experience.  Something internal clearly happened as I have never had a cliff nightmare again.

Now if I could only alleviate my fears of cliffs.  For now, I will just have to listen to music, tune out and pray and enjoy the sporadic moments where I can look up and take in the beauty around me.  Perhaps in the future my healing work will progress to my current reality and completely eliminate my cliff fears.   One can always hope :).

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Posted by Elissa T

Pain Pain Poem

July 12, 2012

Pain Pain

Why are you here?

What have I done,

To bring this tear?

A day or two

I can bare,

But this constant pain

Doesn’t seem fair.

I pray, I plead,

I search for an end.

The answers I await

For my body to mend.

The days become weeks,

Then months to years.

A new reality I have,

I must face the fear.

I see the lessons,

The wisdom of pain.

Humility, love and compassion,

Are traits I gain.

The golden light,

Begins to shine.

Finding blessings,

In all the grime.

With each day,

Hope renews.

I can make it,

With some new shoes.

I walk a new path,

With truth and grace.

I carry the Spirit,

And a song of praise.

I lean on others,

To give and receive.

I learn to honor,

This pain in me. 

ET

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Posted by Elissa T

12 steps for chronic pain – Step 1 Powerless and unmanageable

July 10, 2012
  1. We admitted we were powerless over our chronic pain—that our lives had become  difficult to manage.

I have always found value in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and many of their recovery philosophies.  There have been many situations in my own life where I found that my will and effort alone could not fix a problem.  The harder I tried, the less effective it might be.  Much of these situations had to do with my desire to stay strong and independent and not take the risk of being vulnerable to other people.  I really believed that I could make things better if I did the right research, had the right attitude and gave the right effort.  Unfortunately this isn’t always the case. In some situations and circumstances an addictive element would take over causing me to be more self-absorbed and caught in destructive patterns of behavior.  In these situations it was vital that I learn to surrender and open myself up to the guidance of my spiritual source and other people.

When I first experienced severe chronic pain and fibromyalgia symptoms my life was no longer manageable in the way I was used to.  I found it was difficult to complete daily tasks, care for my children, and deal with the daily pain that would not escape me.  I searched for ways to eliminate and understand my pain, yet nothing worked in the way I thought I needed.  The people around me had a variation of reactions to my new pain, from excessive advice, demands for specific types of treatment, and ignoring my reality to those who offered both love and practical help.  I could no longer nurture my relationships in the same way and they too seemed unmanageable.

The difficult thing with the word “powerless” is that I still have power in some areas, while other things are beyond my control.  I did not choose to have chronic pain enter my world and my will alone won’t make it go away.  I am powerless over waking up at night with pain, having pain spasm when I sit, the pins and needles, the fatigue, or the more intense pain I experience in my back and knees.  I am also limited in that I don’t know all things, what the cause of my pain is, and what specifically could make it end (if there is a cure).  Even if I did all the research in the world, I would never completely know everything about how my body works.  Fortunately I do have options of experimenting with medications, activities and adaptations that might lessen my pain.  I can choose to prioritize my activities, continue self-healing (physical, mental, spiritual), find joy in the moment and give to those around me in spite of my pain.  My attitude and ways of coping will always be something within my power.  I can choose to open up to a new way of living, that brings me down a better path than I imagined.

The beauty of recovery is that the principles will carry you forward even though the addiction/chronic pain is still a part of you.  As with addiction, I cannot live the same way I did before, as this way of living will lead me into darkness.  If I keep searching for what was, compare myself to those who seem to have it better and try to live the old way, my life will be unmanageable.  Though I will pray for complete physical healing, I believe I am receiving greater spiritual and mental healing than I could have imagined.  My pain creates a sense of vulnerability, humility and need that opens me up to something greater than myself.  Recognizing my powerlessness was the first step, the beginning of something more.

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Posted by Elissa T

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