Emotional Triggers

June 6, 2016

Today I feel utterly exhausted with so many emotions going through my mind and soul.  I can’t even figure what it is all about.  I feel this sense of numbness, of wanting to bury it all so not to feel pain.  I notice my warning signs of something bigger going on – the desire to run, the desire to escape with some sort of medication, the desire to find a cave to hide in, the desire to die.

It all can feel so dark.  Last night I did something different, I cried.  I cried and cried, because of this pain that feels so complex.  I was driving home earlier and unfortunately my fatigue can make me miss things – other cars, people, etc.  When I am depressed and I have a near miss kind of thing, I don’t feel fear but of relief.  I wish that they would just hit me and it could all be over.

Why am I so messed up when it comes to my emotions?  Why does it scare me so?  If I get out of my emotions, and into my mental place, life is ok.  But my emotions reveal a lot of my insecurities and fears and can create havoc on my relationships.  I don’t feel lovable, or worthy of other people’s attention and care.  I fall into self pity, and into my own selfishness, which creates more shame and isolation.  It is a trap I do not want to stay in.

Though I can’t always control when the triggers will take me to a dark place, I can do things to limit the impact.  I believe in the philosophy of moving into pain and learning the lessons pain teaches us.  Through this leaning, I grow and heal.  I also see it is important for me to communicate with my loved ones, to write as it aids the process, to pray, to seek, and to listen.  The hard part though is sometimes I need to pull away into myself to figure it out, and this can cause pain to other people.  The balance is not always easy to find.

Often when I write, the agony is lifted.  Today that isn’t the case.  In truth it doesn’t matter.  These are just feelings, and feelings come and feelings go.  I will get some exercise, do some self care, and accomplish some things today.  I am grateful I am not alone.  I am grateful for a writing place, for those who love me, and for tools that give me hope and peace in the middle of whatever comes.


Perceived Failure

May 24, 2016

Summer 09 100Today I am feeling anxious, as I wait for an appointment with a new supervisor.  I feel shame and inadequate and emotional as I plan out different dialogues in my mind.  It is hard to be different, and to feel less than, and to have a brain and body that don’t work how I wish them to be.  I have fibromyalgia and post concussion syndrome, these effect my memory, my emotions, my ability to process and hold a  lot of information in my head, my energy level, and I have chronic pain.

I often have felt like a failure in the workplace, as I have worked at many different places over the years.  In the earlier days, I believe part of it was because I was restless, and my goal was focused on navigating college and what would help me get there.  I also struggled at times with coworkers or bosses, and processing through the criticisms that could often arise in the work environment.  Without a real sense of my own value, it was easy to feel shattered or angry when others seemed to be against me.  After having children, and becoming effected by fibromyalgia, work took on additional challenges.  Having little energy seemed to aggravate my weaknesses for lack of detail, and focus, and sometimes had less tolerance for rude behaviors.  Adding a mild traumatic brain injury to the mix, increases these difficulties even more as my brain struggles with memory, processing, and focusing.  In many ways these has brought more tolerance for others, yet it can be more difficult to hide my emotions.

As I write about my perceived failures, it brings a sense of sadness to my suffering. Regardless of the circumstances, or my part in it, the pain of these experiences caused me to doubt myself as a person, and doubt my self worth.  Regardless of where my next job leads me, this part isn’t true.  My value and my success aren’t dependent upon outside circumstances, but of who I am as a person.

I pray that when I go into my meeting today, that I remember the strengths that have been brought to me through my processes.  I have a variety of skills in the jobs I have done, as well as some attributes that have come out of my illnesses.  I am more creative in finding what works, and much more present in my body and spirit.  My acceptance, understanding and kindness towards others grows, as I find a small level of this towards myself.  I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed, helpless and without hope, yet also know what it is like to see and feel love, to find support that empowers, and to believe in taking the next step towards my dreams.  We are all on a journey, and I am grateful that each day brings me the opportunity to grow and be more of the person I desire to be.


Gratitude for silence

November 13, 2013

I love the sound of music, of children laughing, of cheers at a sporting event.  Hearing life is an amazing thing.  I also really appreciate the stillness of a quiet moment to reflect and hear my own thoughts.  To contemplate something greater – something spiritual around me and within me.  To hear the wisdom that brings clarity to a problem.  To look around at the beauty of creation, to see what surrounds me, to look at the details that I often overlook, to be aware of my feelings.  Being able to remain in the silence can be a way to let go and accept what is.

I am grateful for my walk yesterday, where I turned off the headphones, and took in the silence.  I felt refreshed, gained some new insights, and enjoyed the beautiful fall day.  May I remember to step away from life’s busyness periodically to take a moment to breathe in what is around me….


Gratitude – Explore and discover something new

November 12, 2013

Had a fun day yesterday with my daughters.  It was a day off to recognize the Veteran’s who have served for our country.  Much of yesterday reminded me of the beauty of something new.

My oldest daughter, will be joining FC Portland to play some competitive soccer.  It was fun to watch her excitement picking up her new uniforms and the wonder of what the season will be like with a new team.  She has never played at this level, so much to learn as we navigate through the new channels.

When we came home, we decided to go for a walk along some nature trails in our neighborhood.  They had added some new trails that we haven’t been on before.  It was fun to explore the path (and the non-path), go over the bridge, and meet a friendly cat along the way.

My younger daughter, had this desire to learn to be goalie for her soccer team.  We went to the local high school and shot some goals on her.  She was a trooper trying to figure out how to slide, catch the air balls, and anticipate where the ball was going.  Love her spirit and desire to try something new, whether this is for the weekend, or the season.

May we take some time to look for new opportunities, new experience and new memories.


Gratitude – technology and the ability to text…

November 9, 2013

I have enjoyed using my phone as a quick way to check in with friends when life seems overwhelming or to encourage me in my day.  I find if I send a text to a friend before doing something stressful, than I have more strength for the journey.  If I have a rough day, or feel upset by something I can give a quick vent, and continue to address what I need to do.  I have a few friends that are also my texting friends, where we check in with each other periodically.  Texting is quick, can be done in a minute or two, and readily available.

As much as I love texting, it only works for me as a supplement for relationships that are already strong.  The reason it works, is because it supports conversations we have already had, and a relationship that has been built by regular visits and conversations.  It is meant for the positive, not for debates or conflicts – this is much better dealt with in person.   It feels like twitter – where you give a few sentences reminding you of what is most important.


Gratitude for Friends who understand

November 7, 2013

I had a great conversation with my friend, Lavelle, yesterday.  It was one of those conversations where you are completely in tuned with one another, and understand where the other person comes from.  There were many times I couldn’t believe she was expressing exactly what I felt or had been thinking about.  She is insightful, smart, always wanting to learn and grow, and makes me laugh.  I am so grateful to have Lavelle in my life.  We have gone through many challenges over the years, and somehow we seem to keep coming back to a common place.  Thanks Lavelle.  

In my life of chronic pain, I have found that friends and support are extremely valuable.  Though not everyone understands my pain and the physical problems I go through, I have many friends that keep me going through the day to day stuff.  I have other friends that are involved in my soccer world, friends that center around my children, and friends I have met in groups I am part of.  Many of my family members also feel like friends, sharing a common bond.  

I may not always understand why some friends last for a season and others for the long haul.  Often it seems to be a willingness to work through what comes our way, common values, and to be open minded in forgiving.  Most of my relationships have gone through conflict, some pretty difficult ones.  When there is communication we can move forward, learn about ourselves and others, and move towards healing.  Willing to look into how we contribute to the problem and what issues may be related to something else seems to help.  Also being willing to give some grace and compassion, realizing many things in life aren’t always understood and don’t always need to be talked through.  Some areas of life we may not agree upon, and it doesn’t help to keep hashing it out or trying to change a person’s point of view.   Keeping focused on the strengths of the other person and how they enrich my life is helpful, humor is also of great benefit.  


Gratitude – moments of solitude to rejuvenate

November 6, 2013

Yesterday was a busy day with lots of activity.  It is hard for me to mentally and physically keep up on these types of days.  My body feels worn out and my mind can barely process.  Fortunately in the middle of it, I was able to find some time to refresh myself.

One of my favorite parts of the day is the morning.  I drink a Raw Meal Powder shake with some yogurt and fruit and have a great cup of Starbucks coffee.  I hang at the computer and write, catch up on Facebook, play computer games, read and listen to inspirational music.  It gives me a chance to wake up (something that takes awhile with Fibromyalgia) and also prepare myself for the day.

I am grateful for these moments to rejuvenate and refresh my heart and mind.  I generally do best if I have some solitude in the morning, early afternoon and evening before bed.  If I have a busy day of activity, I tend to go in overload, and will need longer periods that day or the following day.  Though I wish to be less tired, I am grateful that my fatigue can lead me to more moments of reflection and solitude that enriches my soul.


Today’s Gratitude – The little moments

November 5, 2013

Often the best things in life happen in the everyday moments. My favorite of yesterday was my daughter, Lindsey, laying at my feet by the kitchen table talking about how nice it is to lay on the floor.  About five minutes later I decided to join her and we cuddled underneath our kitchen table for a while.  It reminded me of something we would do as children, the simplicity of life in hiding.  We tried to recruit my other daughter, who decided this was a little too much.

I find that a lot of the best times in life, are taking the time to capture a moment.  Fortunately this is something that can work with whatever challenges we have in life.  I find that having fibromyalgia has made me more aware of my surroundings as I am moving at a slower pace.  There is more time for the cuddles, the conversations, and to watch for clues that something might be off-balance.

May we take the time to grasp the moments.


Thanksgiving – Gratitude reflection

November 4, 2013

Hi fellow bloggers and readers,

Gratitude posts on Facebook have become popular these past few days.  Call me a little slow at times, but I was surprised when two of my friends both started gratitude lists.  It appears that November is a great month to focus on gratitude.  I have found myself pulling away from my spiritual morning practices as well as writing.  It is easy to get caught in all the activities and to be so worn out all I want to do is play computer games or relax with a good book.  Though this isn’t a bad thing, I find myself becoming more anxious and resentful when I don’t nourish myself.

Since it is day 4 of the month of gratitude, I will look back over the past few days to catch up.  I like writing the day after, so I can look for the blessings in each day.

1.  Gratitude for Friday:  Friday is my day of working as a caregiver for a lovely lady named Betty.  I am extremely grateful to have met Betty.  I have a job that nourishes me, with a woman filled with much wit, grace and wisdom.  It is the first time since my fibromyalgia diagnosis, where I worked in an environment that seemed to work with my limitations.  Though it is still hard to work when I hurt and am tired, I find that I also come home nourished and feel like I found something that works for both of us.

2.  Gratitude for Saturday:  Saturday is soccer day.  I am grateful for all the great kids I coach, and the coaches that dedicate so much of their time to enriching the lives of young women.  I enjoy their energy, dedication and willingness to learn.  I am also grateful that somehow physically this is something I can still do.  I come home feeling better after time outdoors being somewhat active and having great conversations with 12 and 13 year olds.

3.  Gratitude for Sunday:  Sunday was a day spent with my family.  Whether we are coaching together, eating, doing fun activities, talking or just hanging around, I am grateful for my husband and 2 daughters.  I am grateful that we enjoy each other, and that my daughters still like to spend time with us.  I am grateful for the young women they are becoming, caring, compassionate, energetic, smart and athletic.

Wishing you all a day of gratitude.  May we find the good in what today brings.


Health updates and daily life with chronic pain

May 3, 2013

I have been doing a lot of writing today.  It is feeling therapeutic as I take some time to reflect and surrender.  I have been battling several colds and injuries that have kept me less mobile, so writing is a better use of my time then all the computer games I have been playing.

I have written over the past 6 months in my blog about various changes I have made to my life to improve my health.  I have been more careful about my food about 70% of the time.  This means that I aim to eat really healthy most of the time, but still have my treats.  I have been eating various foods from the Medifast program, as well as taking the Raw Meal Powder to make shakes for my morning meals.  I find that a Raw Meal Shake is a great way to start the day (adding fruit and yogurt), and the Medifast desserts are a great way to end my day.  In the morning, I have about 5 cups by my computer – 2 shakes (can’t ever make it small enough), water, coffee, and sometimes airborne and/or tea.  Let’s say, I clear the system early with all the trips to the bathroom. In the afternoon/evening I tend to go for some protein (fish, veggie burgers, occasional red meat/chicken).  I use cottage cheese and salsa on a lot of things.  Those veggies are still hard to get in – need to add some to my shakes.  I feel better with a lower fat diet and with a moderate amount of carbs.  I would probably do even better if I could avoid the chips I had today.  I am brainstorming on how to pack my weird foods to work next week.  Maybe if I bring the salad, I will be forced to eat my veggies.

Exercise has slowed recently because of illness and injury.  I joined a soccer team to work on my personal soccer skills, but have missed a few weeks.  I also play racquetball, but this may not work anymore with my work schedule and other issues that have come up.  I love this type of activity because I feel more like playing than working out.  I enjoy the P90X weight routines, because they start out simple and progress.  When I am sick, I can go to an easier plan.  When I am able to keep a regular routine I can add time and intensity.

My pain has felt much better lately.  I had some work done on my back that has helped tremendously in working through the knots and tension.  Though I still ache, much of the time it is mild.  Once or twice a week the pain will affect my sleep.  The other times my sleep is effected is usually my own stress, or the cats sleeping at my feet.

I have been struggling more with the emotional and mental challenges.  I can’t always cope well with the stress around me, and can find myself discouraged and slightly depressed when I am sick for days on end.  I am doing more reading and have rejoined a support type of group which will be helpful.  I will however lose some of my other support when I return to work.  In many ways, I believe work will give me some time not to over focus on things, at the same time it could wear me down.  Keeping myself spiritually and value focused will be important so I don’t self defeat.

I am enjoying the warmer weather and more time outdoors.  Oregon is beautiful this time of year, and energizes me.  We have a few weeks of down time before my commitments pick up, so hopefully grace will follow me into the busy time of the year.

Blessings.  ET


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