I am grateful for the understanding I received at my new employment when I disclosed about my memory issues related to my concussion. It felt good to be supported and understood regarding my challenges and a willingness to work with me. This felt like a rare gift, and gave me courage as I continued on this journey.
I learned a lot about my abilities in the past week. Unfortunately, after a few hours on my first shift, I got a migraine that remained with me for the day. My brain couldn’t handle all the stimulation and learning, and went into overload rather quickly. I love being in an environment with a lot of activity and variety, but may not be something I can handle at this point. Later in the week, I had a shorter shift, which appeared more doable.
This process, like many in my life, seems to be different than I imagined it would. Because of the nature of the job, I am working with many different people, and I find myself needing to share more than I had intended to. Perhaps this is part of my path, where I learn to find the balance and right words to share in each situation. What I thought I would need, isn’t the way this environment is set up, but yet I am still learning valuable ways of communicating and acceptance, and getting a better understanding of my own abilities.
It is always hard for me to see what it is I am not capable of doing. Though I can look at the positive side, a part of me still feels flawed, inadequate, and unworthy. Work is such a significant part of having stability and opportunities, and I haven’t found something that gives me promise that I can have this in my life. I am competent in many ways, but it doesn’t seem to be enough for the workplace. My vision mind wants so much more, and the gap between my desires and my abilities is vast. It doesn’t help when my income isn’t enough to pay expenses, and I feel like I am sinking further into poverty.
As I move forward, I have to hold on to my truth, and trust in time it will come together. I see things falling into place, and I am doing what I can each day. I can’t deny the love of people I have around me, and that I am becoming a better person – more kind and humble and present. I pray that I can discover my abilities, and contribute in a career path, and find a means of being financially stable. I step at a time.
Chronic Pain Journals 