A day of disappointment, yet a day of gratitude. Another loss in this chapter called life. My new job seemed to have been going well. I enjoyed the work, and felt like it was an area I could excel in. I found my energy level could maintain itself as long as there wasn’t too much stress. Unfortunately, my coworker who was training me, wasn’t happy with my performance, and when she isn’t happy, then she prevails. As a result I was let go.
I have found that I have one major gauge when it comes to conflict – is the person willing to communicate and work through the conflict? Through the years I have met many people, some who were highly moral and some who appeared to be more self protective. Regardless of their moral outlook, the biggest area where conflict could be resolved was a willingness to be humble and talk through the issues. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case with my coworker. As much as I wish to rant and rave, in the end it doesn’t really matter. I will strive to communicate, and be open-minded. However I can’t control other people and don’t tolerate regular insults well.
The upswing – I enjoyed my little time reentering the working world. I love learning new things, love learning about the law, and enjoyed being an advocate for those who are going down the wrong path. I took pleasure in giving grace to people even when they had made serious mistakes or were caught in the system. I could be kind and hopefully make their day a little easier by treating them with dignity. I learned more about my strengths and weaknesses, in spite of literally no positive feedback. I created my own systems, made changes with my mistakes, worked well with clients, gave it my best effort and tried to be positive. I didn’t do as well without structure, in some of the details, and with unclear roles and situations.
It is hard not to feel like a failure when things don’t work out. To some degree I have a clear understanding of my own role, and can protect my own hurt with feelings of anger. I asked enough questions to seek better clarity, but the more that was spoken, the less that made sense. I am grateful that I didn’t disclose about my fibromyalgia, as this would have made it even more complicated. I don’t have to question whether they were using it against me, though she could have known through her LinkedIn search. The reality is part of it was my doing, part of it is who I am, part of it was the environment, and a great part of it was the people. I can gain comfort in knowing I tried my best, and sometimes things just don’t work. May grace be given to me.
The beauty of the struggle is that this is when I like to write. I have much less to say in the good times – which there has been many. Somehow I feel more in touch with my soul in the pain than the mundane. So as much as I prefer to have the glory, perhaps it was all meant to be…..