I have been taught to believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I want to trust in Him as my Higher Power and guide through this life. I want to believe He loves me and that through Christ’s death, that my sins have been forgiven. At times however I have doubts and struggle to understand my own beliefs. I have had many wonderful spiritual experiences that have impacted my life. I have also had some traumatic experiences and distorted words that came out of a religious context. I find that my resistance drops when I focus on the Spirit and the relational aspect that I continue to feel each day.
I believe there is a spirit in all things, that something spiritual is at work in this world and in my own life. I believe this spirit is relational in nature, that it has the power to change things around me, that it isn’t something I have ultimate control over. I believe in the purity of this Spirit, that this Spirit has the capacity to bring light, truth and wholeness. I believe the Spirit is above all loving, that it is filled with compassion and grace for all mankind.
Turning my will over to a spiritual power is something not easy to do. I like to hold on to what I believe feels concrete, not something that is less physically seen. At the same time, releasing to a Spirit gives me peace, brings me wisdom, and helps me make better decisions. When I walk with the spirit in mind, I am more of who I want to be, also filled with more love, compassion and grace.
Surrender is about willingness. Willingness to let go of what I know and desire and be open to something different. It is being willing to say both yes and no, and seek love and truth. It is choosing to look at myself, striving for growth, while accepting what is.
When I try to control my health problems it doesn’t work. I can’t completely change my course with my mind alone. I can’t always tell when I am holding on to something, but trust the Spirit will guide me as I keep searching. I do not need to be perfect or to have all the answers. I am not the cause of my health problems and I am not being punished.
I do not completely understand the Spirit. I can’t explain the different religions that have a unique spiritual slant. I see a Spirit at work in a variety of people and places that feels similar to the Spirit I follow. I have many questions that I long to have answered, yet realize many of them won’t be. I trust that my Spirit will be with me, and be a guiding force in my life.