Another week in the process of medication withdrawal. My body seems to be slowly adapting to my increasingly smaller doses, though night-time is a challenge with the increased pain. Probably the biggest symptom I am experiencing is that I look really tired because my eyes look dreary. This isn’t something I find in my internet searches on withdrawal. It almost feels like when I am having an allergic reaction such as too much time in the grass or after a rare crying outburst. I am surprised that this symptom doesn’t seem to be changing even when I am level in my dose. Fortunately I can continue with most of my regular activities and I find my ability to concentrate has increased some. My family believes I might be more sensitive, but not sure I am ready to admit that :). Perhaps the worse I feel the more I want others to understand and I feel less alone. I image this plays into what makes me seem more sensitive.
I am currently taking about 35-40% of the amount I used to be taking. Hopefully I will be able to reduce this to about 20% in the next few weeks. I am trying to limit my reduction days to when my activity level is low and I am doing little traveling. I pray that my body will make the adaptations needed and I will have no long-term consequences.
It amazes me how much information you can find about taking medications, but very little is offered on the process of weaning yourself from drugs. In the past, doctors haven’t been all that helpful, seemingly unaware of the impact upon the body. When changing medications I have heard several doctors state I wouldn’t have any effects, as my body would beg to differ. This is when I learned to trust myself, and recommend to the doctor that I make changes in stages to reduce potential symptoms. Generally they have been understanding in this regard. Fortunately I have had as many great doctors, as I have had poor experiences.
Lessons learned through this process? Even though I prefer to have less pain, I am aware that I become deeper when I experience more pain. I find it easier to write as my emotions are more raw. I suppose that validates my families statement above. I feel more human, more vulnerable, and more aware. When I learn to accept this part of me, it allows a new level of growth and beauty. One does not always choose the path before them, yet the path chosen may be exactly what is needed.